A simple but powerful suggestion of a prayer was offered while gathering with a group of friends last week.
“God, I just want what you want”
A flood of emotions engulfed every part of me the moment the last syllable seemed to echo through the room as my friend shared this gift with the rest of us. I agreed, then I fought it. I wanted to embrace it, but fought it even more. I tried relentlessly repeating this offering to God throughout the week, thinking maybe this would overcome my attempts to fight it. I want this to be my only desire. But then again, do I really? If anyone was inside my head while offering these half hearted prayers, they would probably tell me to try again. Saying this now is a pretty humbling realization that I need to check where my faith really is. Do I really trust God with everything? Do I really want what he wants? I do, but… That is how my half hearted prayer sounded. “God, I just want what you want, but…”, the but being an amendment where another hope is filled in. The saying, I want my cake and eat it too, comes to mind. I know I want the cake God has prepared for me, but then there’s this other piece that I also hope makes up that cake. So where does that get me? I begin to idolize this single piece, instead of desiring the cake God has prepared for me. Or the harder pill to swallow… I don’t want to know that the piece I hope for is not part of it. I know I’m not alone, and everyone’s piece they hope for looks different. It may be material… Better salary, car, home, etc. It may be a professional or personal goal. For me, it’s losing someone I love because of who I was. My other hope is that we can be together again, and I don’t want to know we won’t. I wrestle with the “I wish” game, and it tears me up. “I wish I could’ve been who I am now while we were together”. Even though my hope is not for a return to the past but hope for something new with her. Even though I miss her and love her… I have to let her go. I don’t want to, it’s too painful. It’s hard enough not having her anymore, but to actually let her go… I don’t know, I just know I have to find a way to. I have to find a way so that God’s plan, and not my plan, can be fully realized. I have to find a way in order to truly repent. I once thought that repentance was just asking for forgiveness. But I finally realized yesterday that there’s much more to it. To repent is to completely overhaul yourself… how you think, who you are. A change of the mind, and the heart. This is exactly what the enemy does not want. The more and more I seek God and the path he has for me, the more the enemy will look for anything thing to get in the way. The more and more I hold on to a hope that I have no control over, the more opportunities I’m giving the enemy to achieve his goal. So I’m going to fight to let go, not give the enemy his opportunity. I’m going to truly believe, truly trust, and truly have faith in God. I’ve lived and in some respects I’m still living with the alternative. I know what that feels like, and I know what the ugly and painful outcomes look like. Why choose bondage over freedom? Sounds simple, right?!