Letting Go

A simple but powerful suggestion of a prayer was offered while gathering with a group of friends last week.

“God, I just want what you want”

A flood of emotions engulfed every part of me the moment the last syllable seemed to echo through the room as my friend shared this gift with the rest of us. I agreed, then I fought it. I wanted to embrace it, but fought it even more. I tried relentlessly repeating this offering to God throughout the week, thinking maybe this would overcome my attempts to fight it. I want this to be my only desire. But then again, do I really? If anyone was inside my head while offering these half hearted prayers, they would probably tell me to try again. Saying this now is a pretty humbling realization that I need to check where my faith really is. Do I really trust God with everything? Do I really want what he wants? I do, but… That is how my half hearted prayer sounded. “God, I just want what you want, but…”, the but being an amendment where another hope is filled in. The saying, I want my cake and eat it too, comes to mind. I know I want the cake God has prepared for me, but then there’s this other piece that I also hope makes up that cake. So where does that get me? I begin to idolize this single piece, instead of desiring the cake God has prepared for me. Or the harder pill to swallow… I don’t want to know that the piece I hope for is not part of it. I know I’m not alone, and everyone’s piece they hope for looks different. It may be material… Better salary, car, home, etc. It may be a professional or personal goal. For me, it’s losing someone I love because of who I was. My other hope is that we can be together again, and I don’t want to know we won’t. I wrestle with the “I wish” game, and it tears me up. “I wish I could’ve been who I am now while we were together”. Even though my hope is not for a return to the past but hope for something new with her. Even though I miss her and love her… I have to let her go. I don’t want to, it’s too painful. It’s hard enough not having her anymore, but to actually let her go… I don’t know, I just know I have to find a way to. I have to find a way so that God’s plan, and not my plan, can be fully realized. I have to find a way in order to truly repent. I once thought that repentance was just asking for forgiveness. But I finally realized yesterday that there’s much more to it. To repent is to completely overhaul yourself… how you think, who you are. A change of the mind, and the heart. This is exactly what the enemy does not want. The more and more I seek God and the path he has for me, the more the enemy will look for anything thing to get in the way. The more and more I hold on to a hope that I have no control over, the more opportunities I’m giving the enemy to achieve his goal. So I’m going to fight to let go, not give the enemy his opportunity. I’m going to truly believe, truly trust, and truly have faith in God. I’ve lived and in some respects I’m still living with the alternative. I know what that feels like, and I know what the ugly and painful outcomes look like. Why choose bondage over freedom? Sounds simple, right?!

God’s Truth

I was given the task to identify the lies that are used by the enemy that keep me from being me. That keep me from believing in how God made me. It took me two rounds to get a grasp on these lies because the enemy is tricky, and I got tricked. The first swing I took at this task I looked like a hitter trying to hit a five run home run. If you don’t know baseball, it’s impossible, even if you hit the ball a mile. Well I took a huge hack, and missed badly. The enemy used one his best lies (or pitches to keep with the baseball imagery), and that is, that he doesn’t exist. I took the bait. Went back to my counselor the next week and explained the situation. The idea was for me to go through about seven or eight pages of verses from the bible and find the ones that I didn’t truly believe. The next step is to identify the lie that is associated with that lack of belief. All I had to do initially was to pin point the verses that (for lack of a better way to put it) didn’t sit right with me. I did just that, and came back the next week stating I couldn’t find any. “I truly believe in every verse I read!”, I attempted to explain. As true as that is, there are still lies that I have believed above what God says is truth. At that point, I knew God was working and could feel Him transforming me, but the enemy wasn’t going to stop his efforts. The work my counselor and I were doing, with God, was working. So here comes another lie, “you don’t need this anymore, you’re good”. I took another swing, and came back with fourteen lies. Fourteen! I went from none to fourteen lies… Yeah I’m real good, huh? Now it’s time to build my ammunition when I’m in the crosshairs of the enemy, because you better believe, it will be a never ending battle. Something I can forget or allow myself to be deceived into thinking that a battle like this doesn’t exist (Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭8‬ ESV). I will eventually get to a point when I don’t see my counselor on regular basis, but the work I put into myself will never stop. But I was reminded this past weekend that it’s not for me, it’s for God and for his purpose for me. My transformation was not for me. Do I like that God has made me anew? Absolutely! I cherish the gifts of grace, peace, hope, joy, and love that have been given to me only through the redeeming power of Jesus Christ. But it’s not for me to keep for myself. This gift is given to be shared. Beautiful things develop when you remove yourself, allow for God’s Holy Spirit to guide you, and let Him work through you. And this is exactly what the devil wants to disrupt. Through tricks, lies, deception… However you want to label it, it’s not truth, and it is destructive. I’ve lived both. Believing in the deception is ugly and it’s painful. Choose beauty. Choose life. Chose love. Choose Truth. Choose to follow God, and His truth will truly set you (and others) free.

Sharing The Wealth

My job is fairly unique in the fact that the environment is constantly changing. It presents multiple opportunities to be with different people throughout my workday. My office are the homes of the families that have signed up for the service the company I work for offers to all the residents of the the state I now call home. Even though I have lived here for a little over two years, I just recently have called this place my home. But I digress, this is another topic for another post. I love my job (well I do now), not necessarily for what I do, but for the opportunities that are presented with each home I go into. I wish I could tell you that I’ve been going into each day with the enthusiasm of loving what I do, but this also is new. Well, the transformation of my heart is new, so it makes sense. It took me awhile to gain this perspective however. For the longest time I attempted and longed for my job to define me. I wanted it to be something I could boast about. Basing my identity on what I thought the responsibilities of my job represented and how much it filled my bank account. I perceived the responsibilities of my work as insignificant and the amount of money I made as a failure in achieving this self guided motive. During that time I lacked any hint of motivation to start my workday. My attitude quickly took shape, and it was not pretty. There was a moment where I became aware of what was taking place and found myself frustrated because I was attempting, again, to control the situation and I didn’t know how to fix it. I remember I would start my day filled with the spirit (through prayer and my morning devotional), but I immediately checked those blessings at the door as I left to start my day. On the way out, I picked up my baggage of selfish desires and would lug that burden everywhere I went. I had to let go. I had to let go of the approach of “what can this day offer me” and humble myself to embrace “what can I offer this day”. I had to let go of that burden and give it to God. He took over and each day, every home I encounter, is an opportunity God has given me to share his love. Although the description of my job doesn’t say so, sharing His love is now my primary responsibility. I’ve been filled with the spirit like never before this week, and yesterday I was given an example of what it looks like when that is shared with others. But this gift of sharing didn’t only come from me. During one of my appointments, the presence of God was tangible and He flooded the home of an older couple that self described themselves as poor. But if you had the opportunity to talk with them for just a moment you would see that this is not even close to being an accurate portrayal of how rich they really are. They may not be rich financially, but they are wealthy in spirit, and were more than happy to share. The space was filled with laughter, with tears, and with joy as they Blessed me with the gift of sharing. They shared stories of how they met, how their love for each other continues to grow, and how God continues to bless them and their family through the perceived “good” and “bad” times. The moment unfortunately lasted just an hour and a half. A short amount of time that will likely impact me for the rest of my life. God is so good!

Awareness

It started out (or I assume so anyway) as a simple passing of a beautiful picture to share with the ones you love. Yesterday, very early in the morning, my mom sent a picture to me and my sister of the building where she works. It was lit in pink, the color that has come to symbolize breast cancer awareness. It’s a beautiful shot, looking up from the street, of two buildings that are engulfed with this beautiful color. The lighting of the building among the dark canvas of the morning that has not yet been touched by the morning sun was striking. I thought about that picture a lot throughout my day. I think it’s safe to assume that the creation of these types of images are meant to bring awareness to a movement that will potentially save the lives of the women we love in our own life. Breast cancer is an unfortunate reality that exists, along with countless others, that we will in one form another be forced to encounter. My mom is no exception. She has been forced to fight breast cancer on two separate occasions, not to mention countless other burdens of health issues. She not only fought, but she won. She is a survivor. The gift of awareness that she blessed me with was not one of the purpose of the movement, but an awareness that she is still here with us to share a moment that is captured by a picture while on a morning walk. She is still with us as symbol, an example, a witness to what faith is. I remember asking her during one of her battles with chemotherapy how she continues to have faith in God considering all the struggles with her health, and she answered simply “that’s what Faith is”. Her faith didn’t just sustain, but it grew stronger. She is still with us as a testament to what it looks like live a life where you find your strength, your identity, your purpose in God. She is still with us as a palpable visual of God’s love. She is simply still with us. Her gift to me was that awareness. Something I embarrassingly admit that I take for granted at times. Too often I lose site of how lucky and blessed I am to still have her in my life. Thank you mom, from a son that is grateful that you are my mom, and that you are still with us.

Game On

Joe DiMaggio, hall of fame baseball player of the New York Yankees, was once asked why he hustled on a play that didn’t seem to matter much to the outcome of that particular game. He responded by saying, “Because there is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first time, I owe him my best”. Understanding our gifts and the responsibility we have in sharing them play a crucial role in what we provide a particular moment in life. Joe DiMaggio wanted that kid to take in an experience that would mean much more than their favorite team winning. That seemingly insignificant moment could’ve impacted that kids experience in such a way that it may have resonated with them in a positive manner for the rest of their life. We may not have a stage a professional athlete has, but we all have the same moments and opportunities to make a lasting impression in someone’s life. It is our choice to make a conscious decision to realize every moment does count and it will leave a mark. Sounds easy enough on paper, but marrying the gap between thought and action can be difficult. It’s what fills that gap that either gets in the way or spurs us on. Everybody’s gap looks different when it comes to the road blocks that get in the way of behaving in a manner that will be a blessing to others. But if that space is open to be filled with God’s presence and His love, the gap seems to disappear. Your hearts cup will overflow and flood the lives of anyone who crosses your path with God’s love. So I ask, what if the people in our lives are seeing God for the first time? Kind of a scary and yet it’s an amazing and beautiful opportunity we are blessed with. Whether you believe it or not, our actions do matter. YOU MATTER, and are blessed with moments that can be a treasure to all who share your life in one form or another. Think for a moment of how you treasure knowing God’s love and his grace, and now imagine what that will do when shared with everyone. If you don’t know this yet, I pray that you will. I’ll be the first to admit I allow my gap to become a canyon at times. I have allowed it to filled with the bad seeds that were planted by my past. Believed in falsehoods about who I was and did very little to create opportunities for people to see who God truly is through me. I was a poor reflection of His love. We don’t have to preach on Sunday’s, be bible scholars, or hold a platform of professional athlete so to speak. All we are asked to do is plant seeds. Seeds of hope, love, and grace. So that one day those seeds bear fruit for God. So I’ll ask again (but in a different way), what kind of reflection of God are we going to be today, in this moment and in the moments that will come? The choice is truly yours.

Wardrobe Change

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. (‭Colossians‬ ‭3‬:‭12-14‬ MSG)

Sometime last week God brought me this message. I wanted to write about it for so many reasons. It’s a beautiful message of what a new life in Christ looks like, a message of what redemption looks like, a message of what God’s love looks like. When I read it I immediately lost control of my emotions, and started to cry. An act of expression that is very new to me. I cried because I could cry. I cried because God has transformed my heart. I cried because God loves me. But, in all honesty, I also cried out of remorse. Remorse because I fought his wardrobe change in me for so many years. I guess the pain of my former self still lingers. I have forgiven myself for what I have done in the past. I have learned from my mistakes and the decisions I made. Even though I don’t even recognize or understand the person I once was, the pain from the consequences of my actions still tends to linger and show itself. I lost someone I love, someone that is special to me because I refused a wardrobe of love. I refused a wardrobe of compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, and discipline. I was far from even-tempered, far from content with second place, and slow (if not refused) to forgive an offense. I felt remorse because of all that lost time and countless precious moments that I did not share God’s love with others. During my moment of self loathing, I was given a gift from a dear friend. A gift of what it looks like to not just wear this wardrobe, but to live and share it. He recently lost his father, and in the midst of his grieving, he asked me how I was doing. How am I doing?!!!! Talk about compassion, kindness, humility, and quiet strength. Moments like this transform lives (for the better). It certainly will mine. I was reminded that our lives are filled with these moments, and our reaction to them will leave a mark. The question is what kind of impact do you choose to make. It’s not arrogant to think that the gifts God blessed you with will make a difference in serving His purpose. It’s necessary to realize you matter, you play a big role in His plan, and through God’s grace you can have a new wardrobe. Trust me, it’s beautiful.

Being Still

Have you ever stumbled upon something unexpected, something literally amazing, and just knew right away it was God? Sometimes on this quest I get stuck in “drive” so to speak. Forgetting that just as much ground, if not more, can be covered when I allow for moments to be in neutral or just flat out park. The city I live in has an art museum with an area around it that is ridiculous. They’ve made it a museum of its own. Central to the area is a pond with a path that can either be enjoyed by biking, jogging, or walking. Mixed among God’s artwork of nature are other pieces that local artist have added to what God created for us to enjoy. It’s a little sanctuary tucked inside a busy city of relentless pursuits. I’ve been frequenting this spot more often lately to enjoy, especially during this transition from summer to fall. I first came here a few weeks ago to make peace with a moment from my past that occurred here in this place. A moment where I vividly remember seeds of my past beginning to bear fruit, and where I started to believe voices and falsehoods that would later take me places I never really wanted to be. It was a moment that tormented me a little, and through God’s grace I’ve been able to make peace with it. I came here today, because it’s 80 here today (even though it’s fall) and just too nice to waste it inside watching football. Ha, that’s something I thought I’d never say. Trust me, once winter hits here, there will be plenty of time for that stuff. I had to get here today, almost craved it. Walking along the path around the pond, taking in today’s blessings, there it was… The moment I alluded to in my intro… God. Tucked under some trees off the path, someone put a series of hammocks up. I stopped and starred at them almost in disbelief, and finally thought “what are you waiting for?”. So I’ve been lying in one for about an hour now (I think, I did close my eyes for a bit). Just staring up at the trees above me, watching the first few leaves of the season fall down to their new home. Pausing. Being still with God. Taking in his beauty. All of my senses are alive. I’m in awe. Thank you God